beginning therapy 101
tips to help you on your journey
Check in with your expectations
Despite all the mainstream talk floating out there exhorting you to ‘go to therapy for your mental health’, it can be confusing to know where to start or what to look out for. The therapist you wind up with tends to end up shaping your idea of what ‘therapy’ even is — it’s a huge responsibility, and one that I don’t take lightly! Truth is, there are as many styles and approaches to therapy as there are therapists. You’re choosing to work with a specific human being, not just a generic service provider. Experiences can vary widely.
The truth is: all research points to rapport — the sense of connection you feel with your therapist — as the key indicator of change or positive impact.
Take a minute to notice what your assumptions and expectations are (pictures that pop up in your mind, inner chatter, past experiences). Having some understanding of what you’re looking for can go a long way toward co-creating a working relationship where you have the experience of being seen, heard, and having your needs met. Any questions that arise at this stage can also be addressed during the initial consult.
Realistically, I’m also aware that oftentimes, it really boils down to ‘who takes my insurance’ and ‘who’s available’. But if you’re lucky enough to get to choose, here are some things to consider that can start you off on the right foot.
Spend some time thinking about what you’re really looking for
See if you can identify some key themes.
Examples:
‘I’m feeling depressed and I really want to find out why so I can do something about it’
‘I need new ways of coping with my feelings, what I’m doing doesn’t seem to be working anymore’
…but you don’t need to have it all figured out in order to reach out.
Ideally, the consultation helps you clarify where you’re at, even if you’re unsure. A skilled therapist can help you organize your thoughts and pin down salient themes to focus on, and discuss whether they will be able to meet your needs.
Set the intention of taking ownership of your therapeutic journey.
Setting an intention is as simple as acknowledging it within yourself. Examples:
“I am taking steps to introduce positive changes into my life.”
“I am looking for an accountability partner to bounce my thoughts off of”
Intention setting is a powerful act that directs the flow of energy: you are consciously choosing to shape your experience. You acknowledge that you are co-creating your reality each step of the way.
This is to counter the default: we are often trained to give our power away to people in positions of authority, especially when it comes to healthcare. This can often lead to a dissatisfying, disempowering experience for all parties involved.
How do you want to feel after each session?
This question may be especially relevant for those who have had some experience, and now have a better sense of what you didn’t like — and maybe more of how you would like to feel at the end of each session.
nurtured — listened to
a sense of direction — more confidence in your actions
reflective — insight into yourself
empowered — moving from insight to action
supported — guided through your own process
insert your own
Questions to ask when you’re shopping around for a therapist:
Some ideas —
Can you describe a typical session with a client? What’s the approximate proportion of each session you spend talking? What do you find challenging working with? Do you give advice? What’s your philosophy on life? Do you subscribe to the medical model?
Rather than looking out for the ‘perfect answer’, you’re looking at how your therapist engages in conversation as a human being — beyond the jargon, the title, the role — do you feel a sense of connection?
Practice tuning into your inner knowing
What’s your impression of this person? Is there a general positive feeling? A sense of flow or fit?
We’re often taught to prioritize rational and logical sides of us — but our emotions and intuition provide other valuable sources of information.
Try this: once you’ve respected your logical side (done up your pros and cons list etc.) step away from actively thinking about your decision. Literally sleep on it. See what naturally comes up for you — and notice whether this voice supports or conflicts with your rational voice. Experiment with acting on it, and notice what the results are.
Baseline requirement for a therapy session —
You should feel heard. Period. That they are really listening, not just passively hearing, but listening and reflecting back to you in a way that makes you feel like they really understand what you’re saying, and that they’re conveying a sense that they get the feeling behind your words.
Ultimately, you shouldn’t leave a session feeling more anxious, more disempowered, self-doubting, sheepish or ashamed, or that your therapist talked over you, overshared, dominated the session and left you feeling steamrolled.
More red flags to look out for:
Therapists passing judgement or making unqualified, sweeping statements about you, your character, the character of the people in your life without guiding you through their rationale and theoretical orientation
A style that doesn’t gel with yours — something’s just not clicking, there’s a sense of disconnection
Honor your feelings by taking the time to examine what doesn’t feel right to you. If you feel comfortable bringing this up to your therapist — great. This could be an opportunity to repair the relationship.
If not, it may be worth the effort investing in searching for something that does work for you (even if it ultimately isn’t therapy — but something else instead!). Much of this 101 guide applies to seeking out any practitioner in the healing arts.
Exploring your psyche and feeling empowered in taking action is rewarding, challenging, life-changing stuff. It can also be fraught with ups and downs, uncertainty, surprises. May you find the best-fit partner to sail these waters with you.
— Safe travels
