why do i get so angry around my parent(s)?
navigating asian parents series
“I shouldn’t get so angry,” Amy tells herself. “I know that they are well-meaning, but in the moment I can’t help but snap at them or get really annoyed whenever they (insert habitual action). Am I just an angry person?!”
No, you’re not.
Anger is just a sign that your fight or flight has been activated. Meaning, something’s threatening you. The question is, what?
More often than not, it’s not really about the actual event that’s happening in the moment: e.g. mom giving unsolicited advice or barging into your room, dad asking a question he had already asked x 1000 times, but more so about the underlying attachment need — what helps us feel safe and secure in any close relationship.
At the heart of these needs, are the questions:
Do you hear/see me? Do you know me?
Do you accept me (unconditionally)?
Whenever we feel like our needs are not being met in the moment, we feel threatened, triggering a sympathetic nervous system response. We react with anger to fight off the threat, except that these are emotional threats, so fighting tends not to get us what we want, but actually creates more distance and conflict within a relationship.
This then tends to trigger a shame response, as we’re often told in Asian families to ‘always respect your elders’. We then try to tell ourselves ‘I should try to be more patient next time’, but this doesn’t ever really work, since the underlying issue hasn’t been addressed.
So what’s the first step?
Acknowledging and accepting that you ARE angry, and that it’s okay.
Figure out what the threat is. This tends to be the tricky part, because it’s often not obvious or labeled as ‘irrational’ or dismissed as ‘I’m being too sensitive’.
Here are some examples:
“Whenever dad asks me a question over and over again, it makes me feel like he can’t be bothered to remember simple facts about me. This makes me feel like I’m not important to him.”
“Whenever my mom barges into my room without knocking, it makes me feel like I’m not entitled to my own privacy, like she doesn’t respect me or know that this is something I really care about.”
Taking the first step to identify underlying needs helps to reframe the situation and to take your power back. You’re not angry because you’re an angry person; you’re not angry simply because the other person is annoying. You’re angry because you feel threatened by something that is a valid need. It then gives you a sense of empowerment — now you can do something to address the underlying issue, without necessarily requiring the other person to change or be different in any way.
Okay, so I’ve already identified my need, now what?
Coming soon: seeing your parents for who they are, instead of who you’d like them to be
