When you’re the first to break the cycle
Are you the first person in your entire lineage to disrupt intergenerational trauma, and to start to heal from outdated narratives?
Often, it’s the healthiest member of a system that seeks to heal.
But, it can also be a very painful, isolating and alienating experience to be the very first person in your family to do so — because you’re often bringing to light what others may wish to ignore or conceal. When you put your foot down, and you say: “No more of this” — you’re performing a radical act.
Breaking the seal of silence in an Asian context
In many Asian and immigrant cultures, pain is often normalized, ignored, dismissed, minimized, or simply buried deep for many reasons.
Oftentimes, this is unconscious and/or for pragmatic purposes of survival. Yet when it is unconscious, it is passed down until someone recognizes it and seeks to transmute it.
The person who can’t ignore the pain, who is hurt and angered by abuse, neglect — is actually healthy. Yet this same person is often labeled as the ‘sick one’ by medical institutions and may also be attacked and derided by others who have worked hard to dissociate from their feelings. This person is often also a highly sensitive person who simply can’t ignore the reality they sense around them!
As a highly sensitive person, you bringing up your feelings can be deeply uncomfortable to those who have built their entire realities around ignoring their experience. Their reactions to your revelations may also be highly overstimulating and overwhelming, causing you to further feel that you’re doing something wrong by pointing out what seems obvious to you.
Being the first to name dysfunction
Imagine there’s been an elephant in the room the whole time, and you finally muster up the courage to say ‘hey, isn’t it weird this elephant has been hanging out here?!’ Or maybe you just blurted it out and had your reality completely denied. What a confusing experience!
The response you get often feels deeply personal. People who may not be conscious or aware of what’s been going on may lash out at you. They may be deeply invested in denying the elephant.
The elephant has been there for decades. It feels good and comfortable. There seems no point in changing anything right now. But the elephant is deeply disturbing to you. It has green eyes and red horns and has been destroying the furniture and pooping everywhere. You want it gone; maybe you’d like to be the one to leave instead. And it all feels too overwhelming, so you end up feeling frozen and stuck, unsure of what to do…
Being the scapegoat
One common pattern is whenever attempts to bring up anything less than a rosy ideal or positive feelings is met with dismissal and guilt-tripping, sending you the message that you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling, and I don’t want to hear it. Worse, you are blamed as being the problematic one — simply for pointing out what you see.
“What do you have to complain about? I worked so hard so you can have a good life!”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
This leads to a silencing effect, and over time, you may learn that it’s not safe to bring up anything that could disrupt the status quo. Someone gets upset, and you’re the one to blame.
A suffocating layer of shame and denial is often wrapped around dysfunctional dynamics, further exacerbating pain and alienation.
How to get unstuck
Affirm your reality, unconditionally. What you feel is always valid. Period. People in unhealthy family systems often have their feelings dismissed or minimized, so practicing affirming your own emotional reality can feel strange and ridden with guilt and self-doubt. This is ultimately the first and most important step on your journey of healing — that your feelings are valid, and that what you’ve experienced is real. This is when having a third party you trust to compassionately witness your journey can be really helpful.
Taking whatever space you can away from the dynamic. This can be physical or emotional space — devoting at least 30 mins or an hour each day journaling about what you feel. Being in a place that feels safe to you so you can consistently get in touch with your own energy, and your own reality.
Showing yourself compassion. Healing takes time. You are so brave for starting this journey. Your well-being and peace are so important, no matter what you’ve been told. You are worthy of wanting something better for yourself — no matter how distant or remote it feels at this moment. You are not defined by your past — your intention to heal will bring you so much further than you think — into a beautiful future that’s beyond your wildest dreams.
If this is something you’ve been experiencing, and wish to have support on your journey, please reach out.
