giving up ‘good girl’
Becoming the woman you’re meant to be
Girls often grow up learning that the way to be loved is to live up to what other people expect of us. We equate love with being approved of, of catering to others’ needs or living according to their standards, doing things because it’s just what is done or considered socially acceptable.
What wins praise? What do our elders think is best? You might even have been punished for coloring outside the lines, in both subtle and overt ways. While it may seem harmless in the moment, over time, this can often lead to a lack of core sense of self; a sense of disconnection from one’s true feelings and desires.
Some signs that you’ve been living for others’ approval:
constant second guessing of self
being overly preoccupied by what other people think of you
desire to belong through conforming or fitting in
not having a sense of who your true self is, feeling confused
anger; suppressed anger that seems to ‘come out of nowhere’
sense of needing to constantly put on a mask and be ‘on’
depression, exhaustion — no sense of joy or vitality
The breaking point often comes when you’ve done all you can to live up to this ideal — you’ve gone to the ‘right’ schools, gotten the ‘right’ jobs, married the ‘right’ person, but something feels off. Maybe you’re depressed and anxious, wondering why, if you’ve done all the right things, you just don’t feel any sense of accomplishment or fulfillment.
Many people actually live in this state, vaguely conscious of this sense of unease, but for highly sensitive people, this sense of dis-ease can become loud and gnawing over time; even showing up as physical illness and somatic symptoms — chronic illnesses without any obvious cause.
Stepping outside of roles
You try your best to do what seems acceptable in the hopes of gaining approval, affection, love, a sense of connection, to be seen, heard, validated. However, this can sometimes feel like an exhausting, never-ending treadmill. Especially for highly sensitive people, who are often acutely aware of their own emotions and physical sensations, this can feel like a deadening, empty endeavor. Or, anger and resentment may be building, but you’ve been told you have a ‘temper problem’ and try to suppress your anger as best as you can.
And at the end of it all, even though this feels exhausting and even painful at times, you see no other way but to keep going.
Breaking away from conformity — not just for its own sake, but to live a life that’s true to you
The breaking point often comes when despite all your efforts, working yourself to exhaustion, you’re starting to notice that the longed-for outcome — of winning ever-lasting approval — appears to be just out of reach, a constantly moving target.
Despite the painful emotions that surface at this point, this is also a golden opportunity.
Who am I? What do I want? How much of what I want is really mine to begin with? How do I even start?
These open-ended questions can seem really intimidating at first, but are really magical doorways to new realms of possibility: new ways of living, being, and expressing yourself more authentically in the world.
Your Self is always calling out to you, waiting for you to come home
If you find yourself at this point, you’re not alone — many other women have walked this path, and have embarked on this journey of getting in touch with their true selves.
Here are some signposts to get you started:
Explore the function of the ‘good girl’ — what does she get you? How does she serve you? How is she protecting you in your life? Clue: the good girl persona is often what’s expected in family systems that reward conformity (‘we do things this way’) rather than celebrate or encourage individuality. Know that everything we do often serves a function, most often for self-protection.
Start to get in touch with your authentic feelings — what are the feelings that you may have dismissed or labeled as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’? For example, anger can be a really powerful guide and messenger. Anger tells you what you don’t want, what you don’t like — it is potent but also needs to be handled with care*.
Notice how you react to authority figures — what tends to happen when an authority figure tells you what to do? What are the specific cues that trigger you? Is there a certain type of person that tends to pull out the ‘good girl’ in you?
Begin to notice what makes you an individual. You are a once-in-a-lifetime cosmic event. There is no one else like you — are there any quirks and eccentricities you’ve dismissed as ‘weird’? How are you different than your family members? Perhaps these are traits to be seen through a more neutral lens or even celebrated as what makes you you.
Address the fear that comes from breaking away — what if I lose my relationships? What if this is all there is to life? What if life is about fitting in and being part of the pack? But also — what if there’s equally a voice that whispers: “there’s more out there” — are you willing to take the steps to find out how that could unfold for you? Your choice matters. Know that the fear we feel is often out of proportion to what ends up happening in actuality.
It’s often scary to move away from what feels safe and familiar, but if you’ve read this far, then I’m willing to bet that there is a part of you that wants to meet the woman that’s waiting for you beyond good girl — will you accept her invitation?
