how to *really* repay your parents

I made sacrifices for you. You should be grateful…

‘Should’s’ tend to feel heavy and anxiety-inducing; why does something I ‘should’ know how to do, feel so bad?

Dear Empathetic One:

Give from a place of overflow, not indebtedness. When you do this, you are breaking an intergenerational cycle of trauma; the trauma of being the child that was made to feel responsible for an adult’s feelings (and actions).

Give yourself time to get to know what it feels like being whole, what it means to have overflow. Give yourself a chance to live without fear, obligation or guilt. Learn what it means to be your own person without feeling overly responsible for your parents’ experience of life.

You can give back when the thought of it doesn’t trigger a crippling sense of urgency, anxiety and guilt. You can love them and support them without feeling like you need to endlessly sacrifice; without seeing them as helpless victims of life.

This may not be something you’ve heard often, but when you give from a sense of being hopelessly indebted, ridden with guilt and shame, you’re not really giving… you’re really saying: ‘yes, I owe you. I am a burden.’

You’re likely in a state of overwhelm, your nervous system feels threatened, you feel unsafe; you’re possibly bleeding out, and setting down a path that only leads to burn out, resentment and bitterness. Your own life may feel unfulfilling, you may have difficulty setting boundaries… meanwhile, the pressure to give back hangs over your head, suffocating you before you even have a chance to figure out where you’re going.

Can you think of your parents as people who have agency, who made choices? And perhaps were not fully prepared for the consequences of these choices, but made them nonetheless? As imperfect human beings, even painful experiences are simply part of the learning experience at Earth School.

You have love for them, and as a result of this love, want to take on burdens from them, save them from pain — past, future and imagined; you feel for them and want the best for them. But you are not their parent, even if they put you in that role! Because only a parent is responsible for a child’s emotional development, protection and security. You are their child, even when grown.

It’s possible to reach a point where you can offer them support without being their parent or doing too much to cushion them from life’s turbulent waters.

Soothe yourself. Imagine your Ideal Inner Parent saying to you:

“I loved making these choices to help you grow, and to support you in becoming who you are today. I am responsible for how I feel; only I am in charge of my emotions.

You don’t have to worry about me, I know you care about Mom/Dad’s feelings, and that makes me proud, because you are a wonderful, empathetic child, but it’s safe for you to feel all your feelings, and I will be the one to guide you through them, and to help you understand yourself and what to do when you feel bad, sad or mad.

It’s safe to go play, there’s nothing I want more for you than to feel safe, happy and whole.”